January 1, 2013: The sovereign state of Oregon enacts legislation making the possession or use of airborne photo-imaging devices a felony.
January 3, 2013: A Coos Bay, Oregon woman, apparently upset by a caller, was arrested after lofting her iPhone into a trash can next to a Dunkin' Donuts shop in full view of at least a dozen uniformed police officers who happened to be in and around the location. She was charged with operating an airborne photo-imaging device.
January 14 , 2013: Timmy McSyte, age 11, was arrested and booked into the major crimes wing of the Klutch County, Oregon Juvenile Detention Facility after he was observed leaving the ground while skateboarding with a GoPro camera attached to his wrist. A spokesman for the Klutch County Sheriff's Office stated that apparently the young felon's parents had failed to properly secure the device at home and that they might be charged for that negligence.
February 2, 2013: Portland, Oregon police served a search warrant on a Lufthansa Airbus 380 with 532 passengers and crew aboard that had just landed after a flight from Frankfurt. 356 of the passengers along with the pilot and chief purser were arrested and charged with felonies related to their possession and/or use of airborne photo-imaging devices while over the state of Oregon. The aircraft was seized and presumably will be forfeited to the Portland Police Department, whose spokesperson stated that the department was looking forward to using the 380 for traffic enforcement work.
February 5, 2013: Farfetch County, Oregon District Attorney Iam Longschnabel has served a subpoena on the Oregon offices of Google, Inc. requiring that company to divulge the names and addresses of firms providing overhead satellite images for use in Google Earth and Google Maps. The subpoena also demands information about any instances of a Google "Street View" vehicle having been elevated on a hydraulic lift at an oil-changing facility. DA Longschnable stated that "we believe that such controlled vertical elevation meets the definitions of the law and that not only the operator of the vehicle but also the person operating the lift are subject to indictment." He further stated that "we are looking into the issue of persons who enter elevators while in possession of imaging devices, especially those scary transparent elevators."
February 14, 2013: In a moment of clarity TSA administrators at various Oregon airports have declined the request of the Oregon Attorney General to seize photo-imaging devices that passengers attempt to take through airport security. TSA spokesperson Wanta Lotte said, "Much as we would like to support our brother and sister bureaucrats we estimate that we would be seizing three to five tons of phones, tablets, laptaps and of course cameras per day and we just don't have the room to store these awful things securely. However, we will provide the names and, um, photographs of scofflaws to local law enforcement."
February 27, 2013: Oregon State Senator Spud Tuberless is sponsoring a bill to outlaw whole potatoes in the state of Oregon. Tuberless said at a press conference held in front of the Portland Farmers' Market that "it is a well known fact, as can be seen by a look at any page of YouTube, that potatoes are being used as video cameras by large numbers of people. This poses an unacceptable threat to the privacy of the citizens of Oregon and must be stopped. Under my bill only potatoes that have been grated, sliced or otherwise rendered incapable of capturing images will be allowed to enter the state." In related news, a Klamath Falls man was arrested for operating an airborne photo-imaging device when he fired a potato from an improvised cannon.
March 1, 2013: In an effort to protect the citizens of Oregon from the trauma and heartbreak of being photographed in public places by their fellow citizens, the state has initiated a no-questions-asked "Camera Buyback" program. Persons voluntarily surrendering their imaging devices receive their choice of a half-cord of firewood or five bales of hay or one pond-reared salmon or one pound of wild mushrooms or (TBA) one of the other two items made in that state. On the first day of operation the program took in three Blackberry phones, one iPhone, one 1923 Kodak Brownie and 384 red-light cameras.
March 11, 2013: California entrepreneurs are setting up "grey market" shops within inches of the largely unsecured and unpatrolled border between California and Oregon, where they are buying up Oregon-outlawed airborne photo-imaging devices brought to them furtively and usually under cover of darkness by frightened but greedy citizens.
March 15, 2013: X-Ray equipment may be outlawed in Oregon: State Representative Michelle Barkfrau, expressing further concerns for her constituents' privacy, has proposed an amendment to the state's airborne photo-imaging device ban that would outlaw x-ray equipment. "We may not need a new law to accomplish this as it is clear that x-rays travel through air and thus fall under the current ban," said Rep. Barkfrau, "but new laws are always a good idea."
April 1, 2013: Peep Party Prevails in Oregon Election: The grass-roots Peep Party, unheard of a year ago, has swept the spring elections in Oregon. The Peep Party platform was largely based on outrage that the state's ban on airborne photo-imaging devices did not go nearly far enough in protecting Oregonians' rights to privacy while in public places. Peep Party spokesman Harry Keller stated at the victory celebration that "the people of Oregon have concurred with us that the human eye, coupled to a brain, constitutes an intrusive imaging device that is designed to violate the privacy of the citizens of this great state." He went on to outline legislation that he said "will correct, once and for all, an outrageous affront to common sense and decency." The legislation will make it a felony to expose an eyeball in public. An amendment will outlaw the possession and sale of eyeglasses and contact lenses. "Aside from the obvious benefit of protecting privacy," Keller said, "this legislation will be an enormous boon to the economy, especially to the makers of robotic devices which will necessarily be tasked with performing many functions now conducted by means of those gross, slimy invasive orbs that were so obviously invented by the Devil."
Happy April 1st!